


Innermost Thoughts and Feelings

by creativityandcoffee



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-16 16:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18694822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativityandcoffee/pseuds/creativityandcoffee
Summary: Quentin explains to the Monster why Eliot matters to him; Eliot hears everything while trapped inside his mind.





	Innermost Thoughts and Feelings

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Сокровенные мысли и чувства](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19964335) by [fandom_The_Magicians_2019](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_The_Magicians_2019/pseuds/fandom_The_Magicians_2019), [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account), [Yamanari_Tai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yamanari_Tai/pseuds/Yamanari_Tai)



> I like to think that, before Eliot took full control for that brief time in 4x05, he managed to find "windows" or ways of looking out into the external world. I'm using that little headcanon of mine here to bring you some feels. 
> 
> Please be warned, this is pure angst with no resolution—so if that's not your thing, I'd suggest turning back now.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Quentin takes a deep breath as he hurls the last model plane away from him, watching attentively as it shatters against the wall.

He glances behind him and sees that the Monster is smiling.

Quentin turns around as the Monster comes towards him, pushing his mixed emotions down, locking them away so they can be dealt with later.

He has learned how to look at Eliot's face and not see Eliot at all, to only see the creature lying underneath the familiar features. He'd had to acquire that skill; otherwise, he would have broken down a long time ago. 

"Did that make you feel better?" The Monster asks, his voice, as always, unsteady and unsure. He really is, in many ways, just like a child; he's curious, hesitant, and his emotions can change at the drop of a hat. At the same time, though, he's still so _inhuman_ , so different and strange.

Yet somehow  _he,_ of _all_ people _(things?)_ , had come up with the idea to destroy the planes...

"It did," Quentin says, surprised to find that he means his words. He offers the Monster a smile—the one he's developed for the Monster specifically—and he feels relief when the Monster is clearly satisfied with his response.

Every action around the Monster has to be carefully calculated, in order to avoid some kind of emotional outburst. It's starting to become exhausting.

Quentin wishes, more than ever, that Eliot were here to help him through this. 

"I have... a question to ask you," the Monster says. He sits down on the floor and vaguely gestures for Quentin to do the same. Quentin sits slowly, moving as calmly as he can to hide his anxiety. What kind of question is this? What if he doesn't have an answer, or the answer that the Monster wants? 

After a few minutes of silence have passed, Quentin clears his throat. The Monster looks up, confused, and Quentin tries his best not to seem frustrated.

"You said you had a question for me?"

"Oh! Yes. I thought I had already asked, but—now I see I did not," the Monster replies. He leans towards Quentin, and takes another long pause before speaking again.

"I think that my question... might upset you. And I do not want to upset you. You do not always like me when you are upset. And I want you to like me. Because you are my friend."

Quentin feels his chest tighten at that, but he keeps up his unconcerned front.

"If you have a question, you should ask it. I promise I won't get upset." 

"Promise?"

 _"Promise,"_ Quentin repeats, emphasizing the word as much as he can.

"Okay." The Monster sits up straighter, leaning away from Quentin again.

"Why do you care so much about Eliot?"

Quentin is so shocked by the question that he lets his facade of ease slip for a moment. The Monster's eyes (they're not Eliot's eyes, they're _not_ ) flash in alarm, and he physically recoils back. 

"You are upset! You promised you would not be upset!"

"No! I'm not upset, I'm—" Quentin searches for a word that can save him. "I'm _excited_! _Excited_ that you asked me that question. Not upset."

"I do not understand, but I will trust you, Quentin," the Monster says, relaxing ever so slowly. "If you are not upset, do you have an answer to my question? It is one I have wanted to ask ever since you first mentioned your Eliot." 

_My Eliot? **My** Eliot... _

"Well, it's—you asked such a good question, that I... need a minute to think about my answer," Quentin says, trying to mask the quiver in his voice.

The Monster frowns, and Quentin tries to explain.

"When someone asks a good question, the other person has to take time to think of an answer that's just as good. It took you a long time to ask me that question, right? And now I need time to think of the answer." 

"Okay. But I do not think we should leave until you have answered it," the Monster says. "I will wait here until you have your answer." 

Quentin nods, not trusting himself to speak again. He closes his eyes against the Monster's gaze.

He's barely keeping himself together.

Thinking about Eliot, and about all of the things Eliot means to him, _hurts_. And having to _articulate_ those things to the very monster keeping Eliot hostage hurts even more. 

He takes a deep breath in; he lets it out slowly, counting to ten in his mind. 

 

During all of this, Eliot looks on from within his own mind.

While Eliot still hasn't managed to gain back control of his body, he has found that he can create windows to the outside world if he concentrates fully. He has been watching through this current window ever since Q had started to destroy the model planes, with the Monster's help.

He just needs to make sure Q's okay sometimes, needs to be reminded of the possibility that he'll see Q again.

Without that hope, he would have given up a long time ago.

Seeing Q in this situation, struggling so fiercely to remain calm, makes him even more desperate to escape. 

But for now, all he can do is watch. 

 

Minutes pass; Quentin keeps his eyes closed, not wanting to open them until he's decided what to say. 

Should he make it seem like he doesn't really care about Eliot? That might give Eliot, who is no doubt struggling in there at this very moment, more time to figure out an escape. But would that really work, considering that the Monster has already seen how Eliot means something to him? 

Should he pretend that he likes the Monster better than Eliot? That would certainly keep him in the Monster's good graces; but Quentin isn't sure that he's a good enough liar to pull that off. 

Or should he go with the third option: tell the whole, unedited truth? 

"I think you have had enough time," the Monster says. Quentin's eyes open slowly.

 

Eliot can see that Q is right on the verge of crying.

 

"So? What is your answer?"

 

Eliot can't help but wonder what Q is going to say, and he can sense that the Monster is also genuinely interested in the answer. He's felt the Monster rolling this question around in... well... _his_ mind for quite some time now. It's become a point of honest fascination.

 

"I care about Eliot... because he's my friend," Quentin starts. "I met him at a time in my life when I needed a friend, and he was there for me. And then, over time, I got to know him even better, and we became much closer friends." 

Quentin hopes, for a moment, that this will be enough. But then he sees how intently the Monster is watching him, and he knows that he has to go on.

"And I, uh... well..." 

Oh, fuck it. He might as well tell the truth, right? It's not like the Monster is going to go and share this with anyone else.

"We became such good friends that I actually... fell in love with him. And I still love him, to this day."

 

Eliot stiffens in surprise.

_Q still loves him?_

_Even after that awful rejection in Fillory?_

 

"You...  _love..._  him?" The Monster asks, holding the word "love" in his mouth like it's something precious, something fragile.

"Yes," Quentin says.

Then he realizes...

"Do you know what 'love' means?"  

The Monster looks so utterly lost and confused that Quentin almost feels sorry for him. Slowly, the Monster shakes his head, his brow furrowed. 

"It means... well..." 

 

 _God_ , how Eliot wishes he could be there for Q right now.

 

"Love is different for everybody. And it's different for each person you're in love with. But the love I feel for Eliot... it means that whenever I see him, I'm at peace. It means that whenever he's hurt, it feels like I'm hurt, too. And it means that I would always put his life and happiness before my own, if given the chance." 

 

Eliot feels hot tears start to roll down his cheeks.

 

The Monster lets several minutes pass before he finally speaks.

"I think I understand. You have given a good answer."

Quentin relaxes a bit at that. He was worried he'd have to say more.

"But you need to forget about Eliot now. Because Eliot is dead. I felt him die." 

Quentin feels his heart drop.

 

Eliot is filled with a burning rage; he wants nothing more than to kill the Monster right then and there. He pounds his fists against the walls of the Physical cottage his mind has constructed and shuts his eyes, trying to regain control of himself.

When he looks up, he sees that his window has vanished.


End file.
